Thursday, June 27, 2013
The Best Sex
I didn't even need to mention that the particular snow day occurred before Claire was born, did I? You just knew, right?
There are so many reasons why best sex usually occurs pre-baby. Sleep deprivation ranks at the top of the list. Or the fact that my daily interactions with my husband usually lack a certain intimacy. We generally engage in a back and forth about Claire or household responsibilities. Neither of which gets my motor running, honestly. Likewise, a day of Curious George and sippy cups does not make me feel all that randy. I don't remember the last time we had a leisurely stretch of time to get in the mood either.
None of it makes me feel like a sexy mama (oxymoron). Did I mention I'm tired?
The self-help gurus just make me feel worse.
Them: "Schedule sex".
Me: "Yet another oxymoron. I schedule an appointment to get my teeth cleaned, not to have sex."
Them: "Have a quickie in the laundry room".
Me: "And who's watching Claire, while that's happening?"
Them: "Nap when your child naps."
Me: "My husband's still tired at night. We can't find a rhythm."
Them: "Have sex even though you're tired."
Me: "Am I a horrible person for coveting sleep over sex right now?"
Them: "Drop your child off at grandma's."
Me: "That's a lot of work just to have sex. Is it going to be worth it?"
And that's the thing right there…the last one…sex is not supposed to be so much work, or, at least, it never used to be. Having a child is a huge responsibility. I don't want sex to feel like a responsibility also. It pisses me off that we're in a rush to fit it in between baby's bath time and blogging (oh, right, then there's blogging).
Moms who have come before me like to say that it gets easier having a child. I want them to say the same thing to me about having sex.
Unfortunately, a sage blogger, Jane Marsh, wrote a post debunking the myth that parenting gets easier. I'm worried that the same might be true about sex. Jane also wrote a post suggesting having quickies in the laundry room or similar such places. She has a bunch of kids. It's obviously working for her.
Jane says parenting doesn't get easier; you get better. She says you have to be willing to let things be different in both parenting and in your sex life.
See, I told you she was smart! Life changes. I still want our sex life to be the way it was before. Now that we have Claire, nothing will ever be the same.
I'll have to admit, though, it makes me feel like I'm 19 again, losing my virginity. I don't know what this "new" sex life is going to look like, and that's scary. I'm worried I won't know what to do. I've lost my confidence about what is "right", what will be "good". I fear that my husband and I will have to get to know one another all over again. I feel funny in my new body. I feel disoriented by different priorities and changed circumstances. In a word, I feel vulnerable.
It sounds like it should be exciting. It sounds like the way sex should be, slightly off-kilter and unpredictable.
I feel more out-of-sorts than off-kilter. I just don't feel so sure of myself anymore. Maybe, at some point, that will be enough. I want it to be enough.
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Photo Source: Sujit Kumar, Wikipedia Commons