Sunday, October 27, 2013

A Child's Enthusiasm

Claire punctuates the silence of the parking lot with a repeated, “Yay…Yay…Yay…”

I think, “I could’ve easily done the walk to the car without the yelling. Too early for this..."

But I tolerate the noise. Noise is a part of a toddler’s job, just as patience is part of a mom's. I watch, as she experiments with her voice bouncing off the concrete jungle that surrounds us.

Several car lengths ahead, a man in a tie puts on his jacket and grabs his briefcase from his trunk. I imagine he's a warrior suiting up for corporate battle, like a modern-day knight.

He closes the trunk, turns to us and says, “Someone’s happy today!”

“Ha,” I laugh. Sometimes, I think I need a little more coffee to be as happy as my daughter.”

He laughs too, “It’s hard to stay that enthusiastic, isn’t it?

“Yes,” I reply. “There’s something to be said for acting like a kid more often.”

He's ahead of us, walking towards the exit. He adds over his shoulder...

“Never lose the ‘Yay’."

“Huh!” I say. “Never lose the ‘Yay'...I’m gonna remember that one…”

“Me too!” he says, pausing a beat before he heads out the door.


Hand in hand through the parking lot, I join in with Claire, “Yay…Yay…Yay…”


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Photo Source: Happy_Serenity, Flickr

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Welcome to The Sunday Parenting Party, hosted by Dirt and BoogersPlay ActivitiesCrayon FrecklesTaming the GoblinThe Golden GleamPrickly Mom, and The Tao of Poop. The SPP is place for readers to find ideas on nurturing, educating, and caring for children, as well as honest posts about the stresses of being a parent or caregiver. Links to reviews and giveaways are welcome as long as they are relevant to the topic. All parenting philosophies are welcome with one exception: please do not link to posts promoting physical discipline, as this is something we would feel uncomfortable having on our blogs. (P.S. By linking up you agree that your post and photos are Pinterest, Sulia, G+ and FB friendly. We will be showcasing ideas on The Sunday Parenting Party Pinterest board.)


The Tao of Poop 

Featured today are two great bloggers. Check out their fab posts:

Finding Ninee: Being Present with Your Kids
Our Feminist Playschool: Helping Our Boys Be Better Allies

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Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Ghost of Halloween Past, Present and Future

Ah, Fall. The snap in the air is the first harbinger of the season. Then, the light takes on low, slanting glow. Life settles into a more ordered routine. My favorite time of year, sullied only by one day…Halloween.

I have been boycotting Halloween for a long while. The stated reason is that I want to avoid women dressed like ho’s and their male moron counterparts. Indeed, this statement is true. But the real reason is that I don’t have an ounce of creativity, when it comes to costumes.

Opting out of Halloween as an adult has been no big deal. Now that I have Claire, it’s been on my mind again. When you have a child, you benchmark her experience growing up against your own. As the saying goes, we relive our childhood…

I remember my mom bent over the sewing machine with a knitted brow. I stood by her side, just about the height of her hands feeding the fabric through the needle. I watched what seemed a miracle transformation. She was turning one of her shiny, sequined 70’s disco numbers into a fairy princess costume for me. Come trick or treat time, I felt like the best shiny, sequined princess on the block. Later, the same piece became a tin man costume for my brother. One year, my brother and I both went as Raggedy Ann and Andy. That costume was so authentic; mom even made the wigs!

Mom, Brother Ben and I

I felt sorry for the kids who had to wear those Woolworth generated plastic items, complete with suffocating masks and an unseemly smell. They looked scratchy and uncomfortable, and made a weird rustling sound going up and down the street. But, worst of all, they lacked the hand of a mother’s love. I am haunted by the fact that Claire will now be one of those children.

I have warm feelings in my heart thinking about the love that went into the costumes mom made for us. I feel emptiness in my heart for Claire, because she will not have the same experience as me.

But I know I don’t need to be all things to Claire. Teaching children that we have limitations is wise. Someday, I will have to tell her that the craft gene has skipped a generation, which bodes well for her. Maybe one day, she will carry on my mom's Halloween costume tradition with her own kids.

Halloween post pulled from the archives.

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Welcome to The Sunday Parenting Party, hosted by Dirt and BoogersPlay ActivitiesCrayon FrecklesTaming the GoblinThe Golden GleamPrickly Mom, and The Tao of Poop. The SPP is place for readers to find ideas on nurturing, educating, and caring for children, as well as honest posts about the stresses of being a parent or caregiver. Links to reviews and giveaways are welcome as long as they are relevant to the topic. All parenting philosophies are welcome with one exception: please do not link to posts promoting physical discipline, as this is something we would feel uncomfortable having on our blogs. (P.S. By linking up you agree that your post and photos are Pinterest, Sulia, G+ and FB friendly. We will be showcasing ideas on The Sunday Parenting Party Pinterest board.)

The Tao of Poop 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

The Power of Family Rituals

Bedtime routines for American parents are all probably variations on a similar theme. The components -- pajamas, bathroom, books, stuffed animals, kisses and lights out -- are nightly
commonalities that all families share.

On the other hand, bedtime rituals are much more likely to be distinctly individual and uniquely yours.
crescent moon over black night sky

Take my two year old, Claire, and me. We have a nightly ritual that I love to call our own. Indeed, she doesn't even share it with her father at bedtime.

I don’t know how our nightly ritual started or who started it….

We lie down together in the quiet time between day and night. Claire is all snug in her Dora PJ's with that freshly-washed baby shampoo smell. She looks at me wide-eyed and begins with the same expression each night, “Let’s talk about the day, mama!”

I always say back, “OK, would you like to go or should I?”

Sometimes, she details her favorite part of the day first; sometimes, she wants me to share; sometimes, she asks me to guess what hers is.

When I guess, I’m often wrong. To my surprise and delight, she doesn’t pick the piece of cake at Uncle Ben’s birthday (my kid loves cake even more than most kids, if that’s even possible to imagine). Instead, she says that her favorite thing was seeing Aunt Ana and JuJu (her cousin Julian).

I love that she picks people over cake. I love hearing her talk about her day -- even when I've been around for most of it.

Then, she asks me to share my favorite part of the day.

I want to say,  “Right here. Right now.” I want to say, “This time that we share is by far the best part of my day.”

I doubt she’d understand, so I usually pick something like “cake”, instead. Anyway, I’m not really sure whether it’s important what we say. What's important is that Claire and I do the same thing every night.

Our nightly ritual is about more than relaying the facts of the day. It's how we bring the day to a close, how we mark the transition from day to night. We stand outside of ourselves and outside of time. My daughter comes into focus, and I forget my silly circumstances -- the sink full of dishes and the bills waiting to be paid.

It's our time to reflect, Claire and me. We slow down. We stop and listen. We find each other in quiet, in-between moments.

A ritual has the power to sustain relationships across time. Its continuity affirms our loyalty to one another, despite the exigencies of the day. Our commitment to it, night after night or day after day, becomes something bigger than each of us.

Yes, the bedtime ritual that my daughter and I share is the best part of my day. Beats cake. Hands down.


Do you have rituals with your kids? When and how do they resonate in your life?

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Photo Source: Kain Kalju, Flickr, this photo has been changed, The licensor does not endorse this website or the use of this photo 
License




Sunday, October 13, 2013

Thin Obsession in a Country of Abundance

My two year old, Claire, handles a candy bar at the checkout line at the supermarket. It fits perfectly in her tiny little hands. She squeezes it, turns it over and looks at the wrapper. She puts it back, reaches for another on the shelf.

The candy is placed just at her eye level in palmable, enticing packaging. I hate that she’s so intrigued by something so devoid of any nutritional value, but I let her go. What else can I do?

My rhetorical answers:  "Not take her to the grocery store?" Pragmatically impossible.

Forbid it? That’s bound to backfire.

She’s actually never had any of it, but she knows. They want her to know. Its placement on the shelf. The way the candy looks -- all carefully contemplated. They start them young, when their minds are pliant. “Impulse purchase”…bypass the rational seat of the mind", I think.

I laugh, as I imagine how unlikely it would be to find carrot sticks in the checkout aisle. Nope. Marketing experts send their kids to college on the money they make figuring out how to make this crap so appealing.

“It’ll make you fat,” the woman in line in front of us says to Claire.

Really? I’m so shocked I don’t know what to say. I want to defend my daughter, but I can’t find the words. All I can think is “She's just a toddler? Wow. I hadn’t expected it so soon.”

The indoctrination begins.

Binge, purge. Repeat.

Complete and utter mixed messages courtesy of a country founded on the schizophrenic combo of the excess of capitalism and the guilt of puritanism.

I’ve written before about how society’s thin obsession has trickled down to children. I’ve read arresting pieces from moms who’ve had similar interactions with strangers as mine, as well as painful ones on the genesis of eating disorders. I was shocked to learn that 80% of fourth graders have dieted!
girls_and_body_image



“But Claire isn’t anywhere near nine yet!” I protest in my mind.

I look at my daughter. She is a perfect cherub.

She’s just beginning to access the power and agency of her body. She's learning that its mastery can help her kick a ball, raise her arms towards the sky and express love through the most delicious hugs and kisses.

No, I didn’t expect to be here yet. I'm not ready for the sometimes subtle, sometimes not so subtle, message that she is not good enough just the way that she is. I thought I had a few years of reprieve.


Do I blame the woman in the grocery store line? I don’t know. After her ignorant statement, she was super nice to Claire. She doesn’t mean to be offensive. She’s just a cipher of a cultural ethic. It's not the fault of the people with marketing degrees either. College is awful expensive.

The reality is I don’t know who to blame.

All I know is that I feel powerless to stop an insidious, societal tide. And that this post is the most unfortunate thing that I’ve ever felt compelled to write.

Photo Source: D. Sharon Pruitt, Pink Sherbet Photography, FlickrLicense This photo has been altered and does not suggest that the licenser endorses me, it's use or this blog.

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Please join our link-up...

Welcome to The Sunday Parenting Party, hosted by Dirt and BoogersPlay ActivitiesCrayon FrecklesTaming the GoblinThe Golden GleamPrickly Mom, and The Tao of Poop. The SPP is place for readers to find ideas on nurturing, educating, and caring for children, as well as honest posts about the stresses of being a parent or caregiver. Links to reviews and giveaways are welcome as long as they are relevant to the topic. All parenting philosophies are welcome with one exception: please do not link to posts promoting physical discipline, as this is something we would feel uncomfortable having on our blogs. (P.S. By linking up you agree that your post and photos are Pinterest, Sulia, G+ and FB friendly. We will be showcasing ideas on The Sunday Parenting Party Pinterest board.)


The Tao of Poop 

Featured today are two great bloggers. Check out their fab posts:

Stephanie, Mommy is for Real: Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children

Jean, MamaSchmama, Motivating Young Readers, Cheap and Easy




Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Encounters in New York City

I’ve lived in New York City for 25 years. I’ve seen some strange things in public -- things that would make you do a double take or make your skin crawl.

Don’t worry.

I promise not to detail the “skin crawl” ones here. I’ll keep it vague. Let’s just say I've witnessed things usually done in private -- sex, taking a bath, various states of undress, use of city streets as bathrooms. You get my drift.

Oh, and, then, there are the rats…the stories that I could tell you about rats.

I’m also keeping it vague, because I don’t want to give you the wrong impression about my beloved city. As bad as it gets, there’s always some sublime example of humanity that makes up for the amount of crawling skin that you endure in NYC.

Take my favorite park in the neighborhood. Many of my mom friends won’t go there, because of the shady “element” that frequents the park (Translation: homeless people sleeping on benches).

I like the park; it's beautiful canopy of trees on a tranquil block of the city. My feeling about the homeless people is that they are usually equally tranquil (sleeping). I think that they are like us without homes. I know some of them have mental health issues and/or drug problems. Again, they are like us without homes.

I do understand the wariness of the moms I know, though. Now that I have Claire, I wonder if I should be more careful. I wonder if I’m putting my daughter at risk by holding onto my idealistic notion that you should give all people a chance. I wonder if going to this park is worth it.

But there’s the sublime humanity in New York City…

The old lady is on the same park bench as always, her fingers nimbly knitting. Deep fissures line her face, but her alert blue eyes reveal a quick, ageless mind. It’s clear she’s not American. Old people who are American don’t look like her. She’s old, but timeless somehow....like she could have been sitting on that park bench and knitting that same sweater since 1940. Her outfits tend towards a haphazard quality. When we see her, she’s likely to have something like a smock over pants and tube socks peeking out of shoes that look like slippers. The babushka on her head looks contemplated though. I imagine her smoothing down her hair first, then, meticulously tying it under her chin, before she heads to the park with her bag of yarn and a sweater in different stages of completion. She smiles like she has a secret. I think it’s a good one, and she’s not telling.

One day, it started pouring unexpectedly. Claire, the old lady and I took refuge under the jungle gym like a secret hiding place to sit out the rain. Our companion continued knitting and smiling, as if she were thinking about her secret from 1940. We watched the rain together. Claire went up to her tentatively, curious about her endeavors. The woman leaned in to show Claire her expert handiwork. She spoke about the sweater in a far-off Eastern European dialect.

I think she is a gypsy.

Then, she started singing. The tune had the quality of a children’s song, yet the words were a mystery.

Maybe, the song held her secret. I’ll never know.

The rain and her singing drowned out the surrounding city and took us to a place outside of time. She kept on singing her secret, smiling and knitting. And Claire was absolutely transfixed.

My daughter is probably too young to remember this strange, wonderful experience. But I like to think it’s embedded in her soul somewhere. It certainly is in mine.

The sublime humanity in New York City is.

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Photo Source: Johntex, Wikipedia Commons

Linking up with Finish The Sentence Friday. Come join in: "Once in public, I saw..."

Finish the Sentence Friday

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

The Mother of All Meltdowns

I'm so proud to be a contributor to the book The Mother of All Meltdowns! I'm not exactly proud of the moment that landed me on its pages, but, come on, moms...We've all lost it at one point or another, right?...RIGHT?!...Do NOT tell me I'm alone, here!...But, wait, I'm not alone! I'm part of an anthology of 30 moms confessing their meltdown sins! The book is the brainchild of the talented, Crystal Ponti. Check out her fabulous book introduction below. Its sure to leave you wanting more...

Mom Meltdowns
The Mother of All Meltdowns

Motherhood. It’s often painted in soft colors with lullabies serving as the background music. As butterflies dance and flowers bloom, we—the mothers of the world—are depicted as angels. We can do no wrong. We are the nurturers. The protectors. The ones who make everything better. Our kisses heal wounds that no doctors can fix, and our soothing voices calm even the most hysterical of children.

Despite the demands, the never-ending firestorm of requests thrown upon us, we have the uncanny ability to maintain our composure as proper, love-wielding ladies. Ladies who never … EVER … lose their cool.

You have got to be &$%#@&$ kidding me.

Motherhood is anything but a rosy fairy tale filled with edible rainbows and opera-singing unicorns. This, my friends, is not Little House on the Prairie. In fact, motherhood more closely resembles a three-ring circus erected in the middle of a war zone. We are the artillery strapping, man-eating, trapeze artists.

At times, we are so far from angelic, we make Attila the Hun look like Mother Teresa. There is no perfection. There is no walk in the park. Mothers know this. Fathers suspect. The rest of the world, however, sits in denial hoping that the stories of rapture and wretchedness are false.

They’re not.

You should be scared.

Very, very scared.

You see, every mother, at some point, inevitably becomes her own worst enemy. In a millisecond, her halo crumbles and she has a moment so crazed it is forever known as the one—

The Mother of All Meltdowns.

The following anthology was written by women who have had their moments. Together we have experienced the anguish and frustration of the adult-sized tantrum. We have shed the tears, dropped to our knees in agony, and asked the age-old question, “Why me?”

From poop-decorated rooms to having our liquid gold scrutinized and confiscated by TSA, we’re not afraid to share our collection of thirty tell-all stories. We are survivalists and know that within every meltdown there is a silver lining.

So pour yourself a glass of wine, curl up in your favorite comfy chair, and enjoy a little motherly mayhem on us.

If you’re a mom, you’ve definitely earned it.

See...I told you Crystal was awesome! She made you laugh and nod your head, as you read this post, right? Just like the rest of the book! If you want more (you know you do), you are just a click away from The Mother of All Meltdowns (shameless promotion here). But, first, here's more impressive stuff about Crystal...

Crystal Ponti is a digital marketing consultant and online community expert, who has worked for some of the largest sites in the world, including Anwers.com and Google. She is currently focused on helping authors market their books in the most efficient and productive ways possible -- both on and offline. When she is not busy consulting, she can be found nurturing a beautiful family of five children, one much-younger husband, and a cat that drives them all up that wall. She started her blog, Mommifried, as an outlet for her creative writing and to share her later-in-motherhood experiences with women and parents. Her work has been featured on BlogHer, The SITS Girls, and Business2Community. She was recently named a Top 25 Foodie Mom for 2013 and a Top 25 Family Blog for 2012 by Circle of Moms. 

Connect with Crystal on her blog, Mommifried, Facebook, Twitter and Google Plus

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Fighting the Good Fight

“NO, NO, NO! You can’t do that,” the man half my age barked at me from behind the reception desk at the doctor's office.

I felt like I was a little girl being scolded. I think that was his intention. My knee-jerk reaction was to apologize obsequiously. After all, I’m supposed to have a psychic ability to understand what is right and appropriate in all situations, and when this psychic ability fails, it’s my fault.

teaching_conflict_resolution

But I’m not a little girl anymore, and I didn’t do anything wrong.

I’m a mom, who walked into the office with her two year old and looked around for any hazards that might tempt tiny, sticky fingers. When I spied several plastic cups of half-drunk water lying on the table next to us, I picked them up and took them to the water cooler. As I poured one into the drain, the receptionist decided to school me, as if I were a four year old.

I didn’t apologize. Instead, I said to him calmly, “I don’t appreciate the way you are talking to me.”

He had the gall to yell at me, “Well, you should have asked first!”

My next thought was, “Well, if you had done your job and kept the waiting area clean, I wouldn’t have had to.”

But I didn’t want to get into an argument with him about the content of his expression. My beef was with his poor, poor approach. Plus, now, there was a new problem. Now, I was really pissed, and when I’m really pissed, I know to keep my mouth shut or I will say something that I regret. Worse, I might just explode.

So I sat down, while the rest of the people in the waiting room tried to ignore the elephant in the room. I was shaken and embarrassed. I was struggling to calm myself down, something I needed to do, in order to entertain my two year old before seeing the doctor.

Conflict is hard enough without having a two-year-old appendage. If Claire weren’t there, I would have walked out of the office or made a phone call to let off some steam.

But life doesn’t offer that kind of generosity to parents of young children.

So I sat there, trying to read a book to my daughter, while barely able to focus.

Thankfully, Claire’s only two, so she zeroed in on the book, instead of my inability to calm myself after a fight. But I couldn’t help but wonder what she would have taken away from my interaction, if she were older.

Someday, it’s going to happen. Despite our best efforts, conflict simply cannot be avoided in life.

I was glad I stood up for myself, but I questioned whether it would have been easier if I had chosen not to engage with that man and just moved on. I would not have, then, had to deal with the man’s obnoxious comment back to me, which rendered me so mad that I couldn’t see straight.

It's important to me to teach Claire how to deal with conflict and how to soothe herself while it's happening and afterwards. These skills will serve her for a lifetime.

To this end, I focus a lot energy teaching Claire to calmly speak her truth.

In reality, I don’t have a good grasp on how to disagree peacefully, as an adult. Modeling what to do when you are struggling to remain in relationship with another person is not a strength of mine.

And, in this situation, I barely entered the fray. There are times when I'm either the instigator of the bad behavior myself, or I return my fair share of volleys to my worthy opponent. I'm not brave enough (yet) to write about those moments!

I don’t think that society helps the situation either, particularly when it comes to women. The cultural pendulum seems to swing between two opposite, equally corrosive extremes. You are either supposed to be the good girl and suck it up. Or adopt an “I’m mad as hell and I just can’t take it anymore” attitude of movies like Waiting to Exhale. While watching Angela Bassett "exhale" works as a super fun, cinematic conceit, it’s not exactly the exemplar of how to lead a good and moral life.


There has to be a balance between being a complete people-pleasing push-over and resorting to slash and burn tactics. In my experience, both approaches seem to have the uncanny ability of ending up burning you as well -- the former through implosion, the latter through the repercussions of your explosion.

But what do I know? I don’t have any answers. Really, this post is more of a question. What would you have done in my situation? How do we teach our kids to have a “good” fight, every now and then? How do you bounce back for your kids when you’re taken off your center?

*****
Please join our link-up...

Welcome to The Sunday Parenting Party, hosted by Dirt and BoogersPlay ActivitiesCrayon FrecklesTaming the GoblinThe Golden GleamPrickly Mom, and The Tao of Poop. The SPP is place for readers to find ideas on nurturing, educating, and caring for children, as well as honest posts about the stresses of being a parent or caregiver. Links to reviews and giveaways are welcome as long as they are relevant to the topic. All parenting philosophies are welcome with one exception: please do not link to posts promoting physical discipline, as this is something we would feel uncomfortable having on our blogs. (P.S. By linking up you agree that your post and photos are Pinterest, Sulia, G+ and FB friendly. We will be showcasing ideas on The Sunday Parenting Party Pinterest board.)

The Tao of Poop 

Featured this week are two more of my bloggy sisters! Check out their fab posts:

Kristi, Finding Ninee, Bravery 

Deb, Urban Moo Cow, Winning At All Costs




Thursday, October 3, 2013

Trying Again After Miscarriage

I found these words spilling out of my mouth on my first date with my husband, "Well, I'm not sure if I can even have kids at this point, since I'm in my forties."

The thought bubble over my head was saying, "Why on earth are you telling this man these things?! Not exactly fun and flirty dinner conversation!"

Another part of my brain was saying, "Oh well, if you're gonna scare him away, make it sooner rather than later, for everyone's sake."

My future husband replied thoughtfully, "I want children, but I'd rather end up with the right woman than worry about what our life should look like. I'd be happy adopting or figuring it out somehow."

Two and a half years later, Claire was born.

The perfect happy ending!

I wasn’t always so sure we would get to that happy ending. It was easy to embark on the journey of getting pregnant with my husband, when I had nothing to lose.

Then, I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks.

I experienced what it was like to want something, and have it taken away. Intellectually, I thought I was prepared. I knew all the doom and gloom statistics about conception and miscarriage for women in their 40’s. But it's one thing to know something, quite another to experience it.

The hardest choice I ever made was to try again. It meant staying open to not knowing the ending of our story, facing the possibility of miscarriage again (indeed, we had one more), and living in a state of limbo.

miscarriage and pregnancy

There were times when the easier choice seemed to close the door on having a baby entirely and to just move on with our life. It’s a double-edged sword facing the unknown with someone you love. You each have your own journey full of personal shades of trepidation and hope. Sometimes, one person can carry the other through the down times. Sometimes, both of you need a little support, but neither has the resources to give.

Ultimately, though, it was my husband’s character that gave me the strength to keep trying. His words on our first date continued to resonate in our lives. He showed me how to put relationships over goals. He helped me have faith that the journey would take us exactly where we needed to go. He taught me that hope isn't getting what you think you want, but being open to what you receive.

I’m glad I listened to my heart on our first date. Between you and me, another thought bubble over my head was “I think I could marry this man." I didn’t share that one with him either.

This post is an adaptation of another post, The Story of Us, which I wrote on the fourth anniversary of our first date. I thought it deserved being revisited in the context of Claire being born.


Photo Source: Tatiana Vdb  Flickr. This photo has been adapted and does not suggest that the licenser endorse its use or this blog. License

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