Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Grieving the Unknown

I was eight weeks pregnant when George and I were married. I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. At the time, I wrote this piece to mourn and heal.

I thought there was no grieving without knowing

I thought mourning was fueled by

Lost relationships and experiences shared

Losing you is a different thing

Potential uncoils,

Missing the change in the curve of my waist

The place I touched to remind me that you were there, oh, so, barely there

Letting go a shift in consciousness that readied to make room for you

Getting used to no morning sickness, for Pete's sake!

Such elusive things seem to add up to knowing you

Well, you will remain in a million wedding pictures and I will remember the proverbial twinkle in your dad’s eye

He wondered if you had thoughts before this

He would talk to you, just in case

We had so many questions, my mystery and my hope

I have them now too,

I want to know could I have saved you

Did I do something wrong?

I want to know if you knew us, if you will remember us

I fear the answer is no

But I’ll never know

Something else to grieve

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  1. Rachel, I so very sorry for this loss you went through. I, too, had a chemical pregnancy at 5 weeks of pregnancy a few months before I got pregnant with Emma. I truly do remember how awful I felt during this time and reading your poem I truly could so and feel the depth of your despair here. I actually didn't write during this time and you had such remorse and anger that was bottled up for a bit. Thank you for sharing this here and feel this will surely help others who are going through or have even went through something similar.

  2. Oh, honey. I'm really glad you posted this after our conversation today but now I am just a big puddle on my couch. So glad I met you. And so happy to have met the beautiful and brilliant Claire.

  3. This was beautiful. I've had three miscarriages in the last 10 months, and its been rough. It certainly makes me feel very blessed to have my son. Its so easy to blame yourself and I don't know if I'll ever really stop asking "why?"

  4. This was a beautiful post! I am so sorry that you had to endure that pain. I've been in that same boat 4 times and each time the pain gets worse. Hugs my friend!

  5. That is beautiful, Rachel. I too have had (several) miscarriages, and you encapsulated the rush of emotions perfectly. Thanks for sharing with us.

  6. One of the most beautiful things I have read.

  7. Perfect, as always. Janine's right - you captured the despair along with the feeling of 'why?' that never really leaves you. Thanks for being so brutally honest. It is appreciated.

  8. This is so touching! So sad! I am so very sorry for your loss. I could never even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. I often say I mourn a child that I never had as I suffer from PCOS infertility. These words on this page are so powerful!

  9. That just fills me up with so many emotions, but most of all it makes me wish it hadn't happened to you. Thank you for sharing something so personal and so very touching.

  10. Thank you for this...You expressed much of what I felt when I miscarried at 12 weeks. Very powerful and touching.

  11. I can relate to every sentence - It's just over 2 years since I went through this and I've only recently been able to write about it.

  12. You have such a gift for words. This has so many emotions in it. I know I can't relate to it personally but I wouldn't wish that sadness on anyone.
    It's good that you were able to write about it and get those emotions out.
    Hugs to you my friend.

    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo

  13. Oh Rachel, I am so sorry for you loss. As always, your words capture my heart and warms my soul. Thank you for sharing so honestly. You are beautiful.


  14. Oh Rachel. What a beautiful piece about such a painful, painful, painful thing. I miscarried at 13 weeks too, many years ago. I feel your pain. Thank you for writing this. Hugs.

  15. Makes me tear up! I've been dealing with a similar situation this spring, and I think, for me, the loss of the possibility is what really reduced me to a complete wreck that first week. It's so hard when you shit your perspective to include a whole new little being, you open your heart to the idea, and then it's dashed.

  16. SHIFT! SHIFT your perspective! Oy vey. :)

  17. I am sorry for your loss, Rachel. I had two miscarriages before I had my oldest daughter and thought for sure I would never have kids. My pain and sadness were very real, but now I have three awesome kids, 19, 22, and 25! I was ready to give up on kids after two miscarriages, but my doctor told me not to.

  18. I'm sorry for your loss Rachel. Your post was beautiful it made me tear up.

  19. Oh Rachel! I am so sorry to hear this! your post was beautiful and made me tear up!

  20. Beautiful post. When I was younger and naiive (stupid), I had a friend who'd had a miscarriage. I remember thinking, "Why's she taking it so hard? It's not like she even knew the baby." I know--what an awful thought, right? I have to say it wasn't out of hardness to what she was going through; it was just out of ignorance. Fast forward a few years, and I had 2 miscarriages. That's when I understood. There are SO many emotions that come with miscarriages, and they're SO hard to deal with. Beautiful post.

  21. You have an incredible gift for words, and have perfectly described my feelings during my own miscarriages. I think you'll find that sharing helps some. I also wrote about my experiences on my blog and was surprised by how much better I felt just getting it all out. So glad you chose to share your story as well. Also, there's a book, "Heaven is For Real," that you may enjoy. It gives a glimpse of heaven and those unborn babies. It made me feel so much more at peace. Praying blessings and healing for you my friend.

  22. Beautiful written words.
    Thinking of you my friend.

  23. I am so sorry for your loss, this post is so beautiful and powerful!


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