Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The Motherhood Test Manual

The saying goes, "You need a license to go fishing, but any old fool can have a child." I have to say I’m kinda glad there isn’t a motherhood test. I'm not so sure I would have passed it, before having Claire. There's just so much you can't anticipate about being a mom.

Honestly, I don't know how they'd fit all of the requisite skills in the test manual anyway. And I would love to see the diagrams in the booklet for some of the following areas of mothering mastery. (And, wow, this list only takes us partially through the toddler years! My head just might explode thinking about the terrain ahead of me.)

How to:

1) Lodge your child into a stroller, high chair or carseat, while his or her legs are locked shut in protest.

2) Blindly retrieve an errant toy in the backseat of the car for your screaming child with one hand, while steering with the other.

3) Change a diaper while your child is standing up, in the car, at a restaurant or has no intention of cooperating.

4) Balance your child on one knee, while pushing the drinking fountain button or turning on the faucets in a public restroom.

5) Survive on the calories leftover on your child's plate, which are shoveled into your mouth in the corner of the kitchen with a baby spoon, because you don't want to waste a perfectly good piece of clean cutlery or all the regular-sized ones are already dirty.

6) Match your child’s enthusiasm for Curious George or the Wheels on the Bus after the thousandth rendition of the day.

7) Deal peacefully with the mother who thought it was funny when her child whacked your child in the mouth with a toy truck.

8) Chase and catch your kid and grab the breakable glass in hand, while masterfully dodging the plethora of tiny plastic pieces on the floor, which could do bodily harm if lodged in a foot.

9) Do crisis management with exploding poop. My discretion tells me to leave it at that without providing any further details.

10) Manage to cut up vegetables for a mirepoix without slicing your finger open, while your child successfully pulls down your yoga pants.    

fig. 1

fig. 2

fig. 3     

fig. 4

Illustrations courtesy of the brilliant and lovely...Kristi Campbell of Finding Ninee. Hilarious pictures are only half her talent. Her words are equally smart and funny. If you don't believe me, go check out this post. You'll LOL when you see the picture that goes with the gem

"Note to future self:  ALWAYS check out your own ass in the bathroom mirror.  It might be virtually naked."

(Bet you're already LOL'ing. Kristi has a way like that. Now, if you have any of your own feats of mothering to share, please do so below. Then, head over to Finding Ninee. You'll be glad you did!)


  1. Wha-HOOO my drawings look so good on your blog! I love this entire post! I've experienced each of these at one time or another! Although instead of Curious George, we're all about trucks and airplanes. And Scooby Doo. And Robots. Awesomely hilarious post, Rachel and it's SO COOL to see my drawings here. Your words make them look less stupid! :D

  2. Totally have dealt with more then my fair share of all of these with both my girls at one point or another. And omg, I seriously love Kristi's drawings and could not help but laugh my butt off at that last one!! Thank you for this post tonight, because been a long day and needed this for sure!

  3. Oh my gosh... too awesome. LOL! #2 (in this list) is the story of my life. My son has never done the yoga pant thing, but he just loves lifting my shirt up in public. Good times.

  4. This is amazing! I can't believe you didn't put underpants on for that drawing though! Wow!

  5. So true ~ especially about driving and searching for a toy at the same time.... it's a difficult skill to master!!

  6. Neither of my daughters did the pants thing, but the boy - he thinks it is the highest form of comedy. Nothing like being pantsed by a toddler.

  7. I really don't know how we do all of those things, but we somehow manage to! It's amazing, isn't it? Oh, and I have eaten on my toddler's cutlery on more than one occasion!

  8. LOVE IT!!! The only one I think you may have forgotten is how to successfully use a public toilet with your child straddled on your lap. Awesome list and I did #2 about 10 minutes ago:)

  9. #7. Coach's son on my soccer team has a child who thought it would be fun to run and tackle my son from behind while he was walking off field at the end of the game. My son had a big red spot, and held back tears. The child wasn't being mean, just though the tackle would be fun. Mom and dad laughed. It took all of my power to exert #7 and I'm getting mad typing about it.

    # 9. No need to explain. We've all been there. :)

    1. I meant my son's soccer team. Not mine. Good gravy I'd get laughed off of a team, my sports skills have always been nil. ;)

  10. This post is brilliant!! There is no way I could have remembered all of those things. Oh the memories.... and the not having to do any of that anymore.... Oh wait. There's new stuff. Like my kid outside with hammering a cross on the side of the garage. I am guessing there needs to be a test for each stage of childhood. And my friend I would fail them all right there with you.

  11. I am sitting in the doctors office CRACKING up at this post. Clearly we are at about the same point in the parenting journey. I love it, love it, love it!!

  12. Oh, so funny . . . now . . .
    So. Many. Memories.
    And now we're into the next generation. With the same hi-jinks.
    P.S. Learned to wear yoga pants with suspenders. Just saves time and embarrassment . . .

  13. love it - especially number 4 - balancing a child and doing ANYTHING - holding a million things in the other hand or trying to open doors, etc.... so true!

  14. seems like you are having a tough time with managing naughty activities of your daughter !

  15. This is hilarious! Love Kristi's drawings, too. How clever! All your points are so good but the one that had me laughing the hardest was eating the leftovers with her baby spoon! BAHAHA!!!! I NEED to share this with my daughter, who has an almost 2 year old. GREAT post, Rachel! XO

  16. This is an excellent list of skills we moms need to have, or learn to have. We are so blissfully ignorant before we have the baby!

  17. I. Love. This! The post was awesome on its own, but add in the pictures, and it was even more amazing! Rachel, you sum up the hilarious, absurd, and mind-numbingly frustrating moments of motherhood so perfectly. I can relate to all of this.

  18. Oh my, yes to all! What a great post to wake up to on Monday morning. I am not alone. Love this blog, I'm now following you!

  19. So true, we are all stumbling blindly through motherhood - no test, even if there was one, could possibly prepare us!

    Kate x
    Kate at Home


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...