Monday, December 10, 2012

Things No One Ever Told Me About Motherhood


Ah, gotta love (or hate) the mom blog list -- for thoughts that are too long for twitter and not quite a blog. I think I'm relying on this form too much, but that hasn't stopped me from sharing this latest list, "Things No One Ever Told Me About Motherhood":

1) Your bladder will never be the same. I've heard people say "your body will never be the same". I imagined this sentiment referred mostly to weight gain, stretch marks and varicose veins. Maybe people were being too polite to add bladder control. Maybe they didn't know how to break it to me that no amount of Kegels will assure that I experience an uncomplicated cough, sneeze or laugh now.

2) And speaking of bladders, you will never get to go to the bathroom alone again. Or anywhere else, for that matter. Your child will follow you wherever you go, as what you are doing is way more interesting than the toys that you spent your hard earned money on to get him or her to leave you alone long enough to do things like go to the bathroom (or write a post).

3) And speaking of entertaining a child, it's horrible realization that the only thing that your child finds more interesting than following you around is what's on television, a smart phone, or a computer.

4) Even if the television is babysitting, your child will cause great difficulty if you decide to talk on the phone for more than two minutes. You'd think I'd have known this fact, as I distinctly remember my mom yelling "I'M ON THE PHONE!" quite a bit when I was a child. My recollection is that she only had to give this warning once, and we'd leave her to her conversation in peace. I'm sure my mom's memory would be entirely different -- more in line with how talking on the phone is going for Claire and me now.

5) Babies find another thing entertaining --- your pain. They can be sadistic. I get it now. It's developmental. They really don't know they're own strength or understand they're hurting you yet. But it took me awhile to get used to being slugged in the neck, and then having my child laugh like bodily injury is great sport.

6) Your own entertainment takes on a different quality too. I get really excited about things that never would have interested me before -- like apple picking, an awesome swing set at a playground, or going to a tree lighting ceremony.

7) You get really excited about things that never would have interested you before. Your child shows no interest in these activities (like apple picking). Or he or she is interested for about 15 minutes and then is ready to go (like swinging on that awesome swing set). Or he or she is more interested in other things than the activity itself (like eating the hot pretzel you bought from the cart on the street corner instead of watching the tree lighting ceremony).

8) Numbers 6 or 7 show how boring you become after having a child. You morph into a more conservative person too, wanting to control the world in ways you never did before. When I had Claire, I walked out of the hospital and saw the world anew. Yes, our life seemed filled with possibility and I felt surrounded by a new glow. I was also surrounded by way too much trash on the ground and cars honking their horns loud enough to wake the dead. On the ride home, I wanted to kill all the aces in cars weaving in and out of traffic. All that happened before I had even gotten her home!

9) Numbers 6, 7 and 8 are examples that illustrate something I had heard before -- you will become your mother. What no one shared was the extent to which I get served this humble pie on a daily basis.

10) No one ever told me what the "hood" in "motherhood" stands for. I imagine it's called such because a mom is a safe place to call home. No one ever told me how hard it is to be that place for my daughter on a consistent basis (because of numbers 1-9, and because I always want to write a post). Like much about life that is challenging, I can always keep trying.

I'm sure there are more secrets that haven't dawned on me yet. Feel free to share them in the comments below. I wish I could say that a representative will be with you shortly to help you with your issue, but, unfortunately, you're on your own there.

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51 comments:

  1. That no matter how awesome and experimental a cook you are, you will undoubtedly end up conceding to your children's diet, and lying to get them to eat things you refuse to give up. My daughter discovered breakfast sausage links at 2 and until she was 5, ALL MEAT WAS SAUSAGE. And now we can tell her what it actually is. She's 6.

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    1. I prefer to call it good P.R. rather than lying! Thanks for adding this to the list. It's perfect!

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  2. #2 - Yes, jesus h christ! When I close the door he bangs on it screaming.

    #5 - The other day Henry bit me on the neck. Like a vampire.

    #8 - Yes, cosmic twin, yes. Glad someone else felt that way. It was like I woke up in a new city even though I'd lived here for over 11 years at the time...

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  3. Now that my daughters are two and four, I'm trying to introduce the idea of "privacy" to them - to demonstrate that Mommy does NOT need company (or help) going pee, having a shower, or getting dressed. This has occasionally caused tears, but with Baby #3 on the way in three months, I figure I'd better enjoy what privacy I can for a little while... :)

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    1. I'm wishing you great success with this endeavor! And congratulations on baby #3!!!!

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  4. Haha ~ I love it! You should print this out and give it to your daughter when she becomes a mother!

    Lanaya
    www.raising-reagan.com

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  5. I have to knowingly agree with everything you have said. Gone are the days when I can wee, compute, anything! in peace. And now Izzy is using the toilet herself, everytime I start to do something see yells , "I need a wee!" no fail.

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  6. Agreed on all counts. I must add to #2. I not only must be accompanied by children in the bathroom, now the dog thinks he needs to come too!

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  7. Just wait. One day they'll be middle schoolers and teenagers. You have no idea.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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    1. I really dislike teenagers. I'm not looking forward to it!

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  8. I love the honesty of this post. Wish I'd read it before I had my baby... just to know what to expect. I was horrified at what my belly looked and felt like soon after giving birth :/ Totally worth it though (but a heads up would have been nice).
    I was as excited about going to the Wiggles concert as I was when I saw Powderfinger pre-baby. :P

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    1. Thank you! Yes, I wish I would have known too. I would have felt more prepared! And, yes, I still would have gone through with it!!

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  9. Yup, every single number on that list is so true that words alone cannot truly cover it! :)

    Thank you so much for participating in our Aloha Friday Blog Hop!! I am following you, of course!! Wishing you and yours a lovely week!!

    Aloha,

    Jean {What Jean Likes}

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  10. "I'm sure there are more secrets that haven't dawned on me yet." You ain't just whistlin' La Guantanamera there mujer! I notice you went up to 10 on your post, not quite getting into the teens. I believe there is no cosmic coincidence there as you instinctively know what lurks in the ::shudder:: puberty years. Oh, talking about secrets!! Looking forward to your posts then Indiana Jones. ; )

    BB2U

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    1. I just have to say I think you are a gem! I love your brain and words.

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  11. This was hilarious. I don't have kids yet, but thanks for the heads up on #1. I can see why my mother-in-law pees her pants when she laughs. And #2...I have two furbabies who will wake up out of dead sleep on the sofa just to continue their nap next to the loo. Just the thought of two dogs + however many kids we'll have makes me almost cry. Too funny.

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    1. I hope I broke it too you gently enough! Having kids is definitely still worth it -- warts and all!

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  12. I'm giggling while reading. Our kids does that too when someone on the phone, that's when they want you or when you are in the bathroom lol.

    My Yellow
    It is also a giveaway for US residents, come and join if you like and qualify..

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  13. I am not a mom, but have heard these things plenty from my own mom and from my mom friends.

    Especially never going to the bathroom alone.

    I also rely on the list form a lot when blogging. What can I say? I love lists.

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  14. This is such a great post! I liked it, cool!

    Visiting from MYM- hope you can stop by..

    http://www.cassandrasminicorner.com/2012/12/270-classic-cartoons-to-watch.html

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  15. I am your newest follower and came from the blog hop. Your blog title caught my eye ;) I am excited to follow! I hope you will follow me back!

    http://couponcalimom.blogspot.com

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  16. Boy, do I get served that humble pie from time to time too. Always makes me want to call my mother and tell her, hey, you WERE right. :)

    I'm visiting from the On My Mind Tuesday hop. :)

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    Replies
    1. Glad I'm not the only one. Although, I would NEVER admit it to my mom!!

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  17. I love the one about never going to the bathroom alone, it is so true!

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    Replies
    1. Again...glad we are all having a party in the potty!

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  18. I peed my pants 4 times before 20 weeks pregnant this time. My bladder will NEVER be the same ;)

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  19. Ha ha yeah I hear you. My days of doing jumping jacks without fear of leakage are well over. And yeah how did I get so conservative since having kids that I sometimes pick up litter on the street just to keep things tidy?#@! I'm your latest follower from the Thursday Favorite things blog hop so come over and have a cocktail any time www.cocktailsatnaptime.blogspot.com

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    1. Oh, yeah! I forgot about exercising. Adding insult to injury!

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  20. Oh gosh, I just did a workout video full of jumping jacks, jump rope, etc. and had to make an emergency bathroom visit for exactly the reason you mention. I really thought the bladder thing would go away with time, but it hasn't seemed to improve. Boo. Yep, no one ever told me either.

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    Replies
    1. I didn't realize number #1 would be the most popular!

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  21. Thank you for sharing your lovely post at the hop xo

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  22. lmfao @ number 4. you just described my kids right there, i HATE that. lol

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  23. lmao Numbers 2,3, and 5 describe my experience to a T!!! Fantastic post!

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  24. LOVE your top ten (or bottom ten)! I've officially been challenged to at least 'think' about doing my own topish ten list! Right now I'm trying to get elf shaming out of my head! It's getting out of control! (My best mom-friend bought a brown-skinned elf, she's got brown skin, and I already got mine, so we are having elf play dates, gone wild! Ok, I got that weirdness out of my system, maybe it's a mom perk!)

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    Replies
    1. I don't need another person to take care of in my house! :)

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  25. I can literally stare at my son for 3 hours and he won't say a word. As soon as I pick up the phone...as soon as I pick up the phone, he needs god damned chocolate or the moon or to make sure his butt is totally clean. GAH!!

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    1. If you give him the chocolate, does he go away?

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