Friday, June 21, 2013

Are All Toddlers Sadists?

Because my daughter is a sadist.

Well, "sadist" implies intent and, as far as I know, she doesn’t plan to hurt her parents. I do imagine that Claire was a pro-wrestler and/or a professional torturer in a former life, though. The pro-wrestler Claire knows all about simple, blunt force – pulling hair and beards, bouncing up and down on bladders or livers, an uncomplicated whack here or there. It’s all pretty straightforward and packs a punch.

The torturer is practiced in the art of finesse. These attacks usually involve some sort of subtle rearranging of internal organs or intimate contact with the viscera of the body. Claire will take one, tiny thumb and search the face for a sinus cavity to dig into. She’ll find the tender spot in the mouth where the teeth and gums meet, like she’s seen Marathon Man one too many times. She’ll reach through the skin and wrap all her fingers around a cheekbone or neck muscle, squeezing it like she’s checking a loaf of bread for freshness. There’s uncanny knowledge of just how far to twist the nipple, Adam’s Apple or ear lobe, in order to induce pain.

I try to breathe and tell myself that it’s all good fine motor skills practice. I try to remember that there’s so much in the world that Claire wants to explore, including its internal workings.

But when I imagined having a baby, I didn’t think I’d be the subject of a real life version of the game Operation.

On a more positive note, Claire is starting to get the gist of "gentle hands" after the millionth time. I have reason to be optimistic that her torturous ways are merely temporary. If the situation doesn't continue to improve, I see a bright future as a CIA operative.


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61 comments:

  1. Yes, yes they are. All of them. Mine started physically torturing me in utero.

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  2. Oh I swear to god Lily is going to be a plastic surgeon who specializes in nose jobs. The kid is fascinated with them and will try to take mine all the time, lol!! I think they all have their ways an specialities with stuff like this though and sounds like our girls would get a long pretty well!! :)

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    1. Oh, I relate. I can't believe my nose hasn't broken (or my spirits)!

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  3. This is so cringe-worthy -- in a good way! Sometimes I think that what I need isn't a babysitter but a referee. The parallels between boxing and parenting are uncanny, except that my son isn't afraid of losing a point for low blows. (The chances of his having a sibling decrease by the day.)

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    1. I'll take a babysitter AND a referee! Good luck with the sibling thing!

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  4. You are so right, toddlers are really little torture chambers in really super cute packaging!!! Lol! All three of mine had their own torture talents!! :)

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    1. You know, that's why they get away with it! I hadn't thought about the cuteness factor!

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  5. HA this made me laugh. My nephew thinks Boo is going to be a linebacker it is amazing how on target they can be. Even if it is poking us just so

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    1. The football analogy is apt! Gosh, that one doesn't seem to go away too soon, does it?

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  6. I spend a considerable chunk of my time resenting the endless "on accident" head butts, the kicks and everything else that comes with the territory. There's no refinement in how my sons operate, therefore I never thought of them as torturers, more as wrestlers and I have the exact same thoughts as you - I wish someone had prepared me for this unexpected facet of parenthood.

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  7. Um. Yes. That's our home as well. Also? Tucker loves to reach down my shirt in public. He never does it at home - and when he does do it in public, he makes sure somebody is watching. Always. We're doing lot of work on "hands to self!" these days. And HA to the game Operation - I'd forgotten that one! Maybe you should start making the BZZZ sound.

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    1. Same thing happens here. Like the boob's a transitional object or something.

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  8. Fine motor skills. Yes, I will try to tell myself that tomorrow when my daughter tries to ram her fingernail under my gum line :)

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    1. Go ahead. It won't make you feel any better. Trust me!

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  9. Mine began to physically torture me before they were even born and now I have become a human jungle gym

    June is Hydranencephaly awareness month - help spread the word
    http://mommysrambles.blogspot.com/2013/06/i-love-someone-with-hydranencephaly.html

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    1. Yes, it's funny the ways that they can objectify your body!

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  10. My middle child loved biting me while he was nursing, ouch. And he loved to climb and get into everything.
    All three of mine loved to climb all over me ad if I was some type of playground equipment.

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    1. My daughter likes to bite, period. And THAT she knows is wrong. She seems to enjoy it!

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  11. I LOVE that you try to tell yourself it's all good fine motor practice! Hilarious!

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    1. I try, but it doesn't help. I really want to yell, STOP! Sometimes I do.

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  12. I'm always reminded of the scene in the second Indiana Jones series where the nasty guy pulls a living heart out of a man. Ick. I've never been able to watch that movie again. But who needs to? I have toddlers . . .

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    1. Thanks for reminding me! I guess I deserve that for making you read about my personal toddler hell!

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  13. Good luck with that one. Having grown kids is not totally bad.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2013/06/happy-birthday-judy.html

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    1. Having a toddler is also not totally bad. Just enough to blog about it!

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  14. Ah, I remember the pain of my toddlers' learning curve. This post made me smile. Lately, our toddlers are all grown and their hands are not only much gentler for the most part, they've also become more distant. Sigh. And so, we got a puppy. Who is a gentle little soul, but of course she's a puppy and therefore we are in the company of an innocent sadist again. (= Enjoy.

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    1. There is always a trade-off, isn't there? I'll try to remember that I will miss these days! Not promising, though!

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  15. Oh, my poor hubby still goes through this with our son, although it's getting better! It's not until our children are around OTHER "sadists" that they begin to understand how much it hurts (that and no cookies after dinner, LOL)!

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    1. Yes, empathy requires understanding, right? I

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  16. Henry beats the shit out of me every day. He's a biter.

    Funny post, lady!

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  17. I can't even begin to count the thousands of times that I must have uttered the words "GENTLE TOUCHES PLEASE!" to my son when he was a toddler. He's still kind of a clutz and hurts his mom accidentally a lot. He gets that clutziness honest, says the mom who has accidentally injured herself about 50 times this past week.

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    1. They experts say "repeat yourself". They weren't kidding! I feel like a broken record!

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  18. Ha! Yes! I live with a budding young sadist as well! She will generally, after being prompted post-torture attempt, then pet my face and say, "Ni-cee!" Which means "nicely." Too late, kid. You're a little too late.

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    1. A little too late...that's the story of my life! ;)

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  19. fab post, thanks for linking up with #magicmoments xx

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  20. The title really cracked me up! And...yes! Well...mine were. My youngest is the master of the head butt technique. Pass the ibuprofen.

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  21. Just found your blog!
    Now following!
    Looking forward to keeping up and getting to know you.

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    christinaloranedesigns.blogspot.com

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    Christina
    pieceitalltogetherx3.blogspot.com

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  22. Haha! A good reminder for when I next feel broody :) x

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  23. Absolutely and their grip on loose skin you didn't know existed on your neck is agony!

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    1. I know! They find places that you didn't even know that you had!

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  24. You are so funny! I barely remember that! What I do remember is he always wanted to pry open jaws and peer inside mouths. He also somehow always managed to sit up really fast and slam the back of his head into my nose. One night he actually broke my nose, and that wasn't the last time!

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    1. Wow! I'll have to watch out for that! I'm sorry you went through that, Jen!

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  25. Funny funny post. Hayley/Zane both abuse me daily. Okay not abuse but you get the picture! I have marks to prove it! Want to see,lol!!

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    1. In stereo. I don't know if I could handle that!

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  26. Summer has this thing at the moment where she claws my bottom lip, let's just say it doesn't tickle!

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    1. Yes! Been there! Why are they so fascinated with mouths? Or, should I say, pulling on mouths?

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  27. Dora loves trying to grab my eyelashes out the moment! Such fun for everyone involved.. not :)

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    1. OMG! You get the prize! That's a new one for me!

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  28. I don't know about ALL, but my one year old is literally an a-hole. She'll say "banana!" super excited, and I give her a piece and she immediately SQUEEZES it to pulp and throws it on the floor. Sooooo, it's not JUST yours :)

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  29. Thanks for sharing this again for the Humor Me Blog Hop Rachel! Your participation is much appreciated. ;-)

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  30. Oh yes all kids are! What a lot out mothers must have endured too.

    Dagny

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  31. LOL I'm afraid so. We really are missing out on millions by not harnessing that and creating a toddler WWE. The costumes and names would dwarf the men in tights dominating Monday night wrestling. And tonight's main event: Dirty Diaper Diva vs Nap Time Nemesis!

    Thank you for sharing on the Humor Me! Blog Hop!!! :)

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    1. ha, ha! I love how you riffed on this post, Terrye!

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