Are All Toddlers Sadists?

Because my daughter is a sadist.

Well, "sadist" implies intent and, as far as I know, she doesn’t plan to hurt her parents. I do imagine that Claire was a pro-wrestler and/or a professional torturer in a former life, though. The pro-wrestler Claire knows all about simple, blunt force – pulling hair and beards, bouncing up and down on bladders or livers, an uncomplicated whack here or there. It’s all pretty straightforward and packs a punch.

The torturer is practiced in the art of finesse. These attacks usually involve some sort of subtle rearranging of internal organs or intimate contact with the viscera of the body. Claire will take one, tiny thumb and search the face for a sinus cavity to dig into. She’ll find the tender spot in the mouth where the teeth and gums meet, like she’s seen Marathon Man one too many times. She’ll reach through the skin and wrap all her fingers around a cheekbone or neck muscle, squeezing it like she’s checking a loaf of bread for freshness. There’s uncanny knowledge of just how far to twist the nipple, Adam’s Apple or ear lobe, in order to induce pain.

I try to breathe and tell myself that it’s all good fine motor skills practice. I try to remember that there’s so much in the world that Claire wants to explore, including its internal workings.

But when I imagined having a baby, I didn’t think I’d be the subject of a real life version of the game Operation.

On a more positive note, Claire is starting to get the gist of "gentle hands" after the millionth time. I have reason to be optimistic that her torturous ways are merely temporary. If the situation doesn't continue to improve, I see a bright future as a CIA operative.


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