Letting Go

Source: Technocolor76

“I’m a big, big girl, not a baby, Mama,” Claire announces proudly.

“Yes, you are a big, big girl,” I say with a mix of emotions. The "double” big swells my heart. Yet, there’s also a wistful lump in my throat.

She is big, big. And she’s going to get bigger, bigger!

Today, I am happy and sad. I’m cheering her on her steady march towards childhood, while mourning the disappearance of my baby.

The complexity of my emotions takes me by surprise. Up until now, I have unequivocally celebrated each new milestone, and been completely mesmerized watching Claire’s growth. The particular milestone that has elicited such emotion surprises me too.

I thought I would be shouting from the rooftops, “hooray!”, when we got here. I anticipated yelling, “no more diapers”. I imagined some sort of ritualistic ceremony like setting the diaper genie on fire before throwing it off of a pier and into a river.

Potty training is tripping me up. How about that? Weird, huh?

It’s just that, with every milestone we’ve celebrated so far, some of the baby has still been there. We’ve started solids, learned to sleep through the night, to walk, to throw a ball and climb a wall at the playground, to say "I love you" -- just to name a few of my favorites. The baby has sat alongside each new big, big girl triumph. But potty training seems to have hit me symbolically as the door to babyhood slamming shut.

Today, we celebrate two rites of passage. I am now a mom who has experienced letting go. And Claire is a little girl.

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Metamorphosis

My daughter, my beautiful butterfly, I watch as the baby in you fades and a little girl emerges.

Your chubby cheeks slim and reveal high, broad cheekbones. Your legs stretch and lengthen, and rolls of baby fat disappear from around your thighs.

You take greater command of your body each day, exploring new places and new heights. I'm just as likely to find you atop the climbing wall at the playground as I am atop the kitchen table. This newfound bravery wears me out sometimes -- your growing size keeping pace with huge reserves of energy and curiosity.

And speaking of curiosity, how many questions will I answer today? We have conversations, complete with your opinions, demands and lists of favorite things. When I say "Goodnight." You say, "Goodnight", also. My words"I love you" are returned with "I love you too". My heart is warmed each time, as if I'm hearing them for the first time.

You have friends, some real and some stuffed, thanks to an imagination that takes us to faraway places and on silly adventures. We share tea out of miniature cups and saucers, and call Grammy on a make-believe phone.

Nothing pleases me more than to be the one who witnesses your growth -- even if it means I have to be the one who mourns the baby becoming a memory. It's one of the many paradoxes of being a parent. I celebrate you, as I let you go.

When I look at the pictures of you taken as an infant and, later, as a baby, I see how you changed then. It’s crazy, but I didn't seem to notice how you grew into a baby, at the time. I can't believe that you ever fit in the crook of my arm.

I feel completely sure that I’m not going to forget this moment. I'm not going to forget you becoming a little girl. Yet…

I’ve decided to write it down, so I know that I watched you transform from a baby to a little girl. I want to remember this time, make a record of it. I want proof that we were here together for this magical metamorphosis, my daughter, my beautiful butterfly.


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Photo source: Hannes Grobe/AWI; 2010

Growing Up

On New Year's Eve last year, Claire had yet to say her first word or take a step. She hadn't felt ice-cream melt sweetly in her mouth, nor had she crunched a slice of shiny red apple. She hadn't returned a hug or a kiss. She'd yet to make a joke that had us laughing together. 

She enters 2013 able to do all of these things and more. The new year holds such possibilities for her as well.

Just as 2013 contains potential for all of us. I wish everyone a year of growth like a child. I wish you the capacity to embrace change in 2013, to make new discoveries, and to lust for life in the way of a child -- curious, courageous and eyes wide open.

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