The thought bubble over my head was saying, "Why on earth are you telling this man these things?! Not exactly fun and flirty dinner conversation!"
Another part of my brain was saying, "Oh well, if you're gonna scare him away, make it sooner rather than later, for everyone's sake."
My future husband replied thoughtfully, "I want children, but I'd rather end up with the right woman than worry about what our life should look like. I'd be happy adopting or figuring it out somehow."
Two and a half years later, Claire was born.
The perfect happy ending!
I wasn’t always so sure we would get to that happy ending. It was easy to embark on the journey of getting pregnant with my husband, when I had nothing to lose.
Then, I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks.
I experienced what it was like to want something, and have it taken away. Intellectually, I thought I was prepared. I knew all the doom and gloom statistics about conception and miscarriage for women in their 40’s. But it's one thing to know something, quite another to experience it.
The hardest choice I ever made was to try again. It meant staying open to not knowing the ending of our story, facing the possibility of miscarriage again (indeed, we had one more), and living in a state of limbo.
There were times when the easier choice seemed to close the door on having a baby entirely and to just move on with our life. It’s a double-edged sword facing the unknown with someone you love. You each have your own journey full of personal shades of trepidation and hope. Sometimes, one person can carry the other through the down times. Sometimes, both of you need a little support, but neither has the resources to give.
Ultimately, though, it was my husband’s character that gave me the strength to keep trying. His words on our first date continued to resonate in our lives. He showed me how to put relationships over goals. He helped me have faith that the journey would take us exactly where we needed to go. He taught me that hope isn't getting what you think you want, but being open to what you receive.
I’m glad I listened to my heart on our first date. Between you and me, another thought bubble over my head was “I think I could marry this man." I didn’t share that one with him either.
This post is an adaptation of another post, The Story of Us, which I wrote on the fourth anniversary of our first date. I thought it deserved being revisited in the context of Claire being born.
Photo Source: Tatiana Vdb Flickr. This photo has been adapted and does not suggest that the licenser endorse its use or this blog. License