Monday, October 15, 2012

Soul Search

 
The Homage, Marc Chagall, 1972

I stare endlessly at my daughter and marvel. Her face is compelling, purely because she is mine. Sometimes, my purpose is to see how she’s grown and changed. More often, I simply wish to behold.

Lately, I’ve been looking for my father. I search for him in the shape of her eyes, the set of her mouth, the way she furrows her brow. No trace of my dad is evident there, at least not yet.

I don’t know which I fear more...that my daughter will never come to resemble him...or that I have lost the ability to recognize him altogether.

My dad died when I was eleven. I am now 45. Much of my life has been marked without him in it. I have come to identify more with his absence than his presence.

Sadly, this space only grows larger as I grow older. Tragically, I no longer miss my dad.

I long for him, though. I search for him, too. Lately, I’m searching for my father in my daughter’s face.

20 comments:

  1. I like how u were able to put that into words. I lost my mother at 15 and I look for her in my sons eyes. I hope to find her!
    Gina
    Www.meetmaxwell.blogspot.com

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  2. I really do think we are linked somehow. I just wrote a post about a college classmate who passed away recently leaving three little girls. I can't even imagine. Your post was a beautiful homage.

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    1. Wow, you just gave me shivers! I'm off to read it...

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  3. This is a beautiful post - truly beautiful. Thanks so much for linking it up to my little blog :)

    Sarah @ A Cat-Like Cusiosity

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    1. Thank you, Sarah. And thank you for the opportunity to connect!

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  4. Rachel, such a beautiful post. Whether it is a shared facial feature or similar personality, it's truly remarkable how our children are so connected to relatives they have never met. In Judaism, we purposefully connect our children with deceased relatives by selecting a Hebrew name in that person's memory. It is such a great way to instill a person's values in your child. The connection between your father and your daughter will pop up just when you least expect it.

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    1. I appreciate your optimism! I hope you are right!

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  5. ooh!! this pic means a lot!

    I never thought a painter has so many things in mind while painting...

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  6. Such a beautiful tribute. I was already 30 when I lost my Dad but still very painful till this day.

    Yellow Goodies
    Your comment will be much appreciated.

    I am your newest follower.

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  7. I lost my Mom only last year but I also don't "see her" in my daughter, unfortunately.

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    1. Maybe, one day. We can continue to hope!

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  8. This is very touching and emotional. Last night I was looking into my little girl's eyes and loving how they focus entirely on me as if I am her whole world.
    I Resemble my father the most in complexion and facial features and I see him now in her eyes. So I really connected to this post.Thanks for sharing.
    Jillian

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    1. Family resemblance is such an amazing part of being a mom! Thanks for sharing.

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  9. Beautiful and moving post. I think as your little girl gets older something will strike you and let you know that some of your dad is in her. That's how I would like to think of it anyway :)
    Thanks for linking up with FYBF. Please don't forget to grab the FYBF button to this post. Thanks!

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  10. Newest follower here! I found you through the Friday blog hop! Cute blog, I can’t wait to read more!
    -meandmr.com

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  11. Your posts are always so genuinely pure and very touching. I so glad that I have the opportunity to read along on your motherhood journey. Thank you for linking up to the Empowered Living Blog hop. I hope to see you back again.

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    1. Thank you! I love the Empowered Living Blog Hop. I think that the theme of "things that inspire you" is unique and really cool. Will definitely be back!

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  12. What a beautiful post. You have a beautiful way of expressing such deep emotions.
    Coming by and now following from the TGIF blog hop :)

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  13. Wonderful post. Sorry for your loss, even though it is so distant now. I found it interesting were you said you don't miss him just long for him. My dad passed three years ago and I constantly wonder if I will ever stop missing him. Stopping by from pick a post

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